No one warns you about approaching middle age

Dear JAMMers,

Ya know the episode of Friends where they all turn 30? Joey looks up at the sky and yells “Why, God, Why!”  I can’t say I felt that at 30, but boy do I feel it at 35.

I recognize that 40-45 is more accurate for middle age. But it is undisputable that something happened overnight to me once I hit 35.

When I was in high school in 2004, I was in my kitchen on AIM while my mother hosted a Tupperware party. My mom and aunts' pure excitement was like 5-year-olds on Christmas morning. I looked at my older sister deadpan and said, “If I ever get this excited over Tupperware, please put me out to pasture.” 

Well, luckily she knows I was kidding.  

I now marvel at the depth of people’s kitchen sinks and get jealous. How the eff did this happen to me?

I am 35. I am a millennial.  I am a young mom in my mind - but not in reality. Britney Spears burst onto the scene and into my heart 25 years ago. 25! That is unacceptable.

No one prepares you for your teenage role model, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, to approach the age where she will soon land roles as a young grandmother.

No one warns you that going to the dentist for a painful procedure like a filling or cap would become a luxurious outing.  Why luxurious?  I am alone, I am in a lounge chair, my objective needs are the center of attention for a whole 20 minutes or so.  I could go on.

No one prepares you for the fact that a routine colonoscopy is better than any spa day you’ve ever had. Whatever they give you to put you to sleep is heavenly.  I was only asleep for 20 minutes they tell me, but I felt as if I slept the most perfect 10 hours of my life. I was the most mentally clear I have ever been.  I went from euphoria to anger pretty fast though.

Whatever that magic medicine is that gives you that sleep - why do they not make a microdose and offer it to post-partum mothers?   #justicefortiredmoms. When my baby was 3 months old and colic, if I could have had a 20-minute nap that felt like a whole night’s sleep, I could have been so much healthier physically and mentally.  This would trickle down my family and anyone who interacted with me. 

But back to the colonoscopy day itself - I did a cleanse for 24 hours - how bougie.  When I arrived they literally gave me a bed and fluffed my pillow. They also put slipper socks on FOR ME! I said, “No I can do it myself.” And the nurse replied, “No, just relax I got it.” Would it be too forward if I asked her to move in with me?

Oh and did I mention the silence? Oh the silence.  They apologized for running behind schedule and I was like, "Oh, no problem."  But in my head, I thought, “This is the best day I have had in months.”  Your younger self would call that sad, but present-day you knows its the damn truth.

No one tells you that once you are 35, your entire social media algorithm will instantly be consumed by botox ads, shapewear ads, and crepe skin cream ads.  What has changed about my body in the 2 weeks from nearly 35 to actually 35 that caused Meta to do me so dirty?  It is quite rude.

But I did buy Honeylove shapewear and it is better than Spanx (not an ad, just the truth).

These are just of a few of the eye-opening moments I’ve had in the 3 months since turning 35. I know there will be more over the next 10 years. Oh, and Meta also reminded me that the clusterfuck of perimenopause is right around the corner - thanks guys! We just survived a global pandemilovato, but let’s keep the fear alive.

Having appreciation for the little and silent moments in your day is a positive, though.  Plus, I can still dance all night when a wedding provides me the opportunity to do so.  So it ain’t all bad.

We got this.

PS - If you are over 45, doctors recommend you explore routine colonoscopies. Talk to your doctor. I lost two of the most important people in my family to colon cancer. It is one of the more easily screened cancers.

No worries,

Jaclyn